“That’s your third cup of coffee this morning James!” a voice in the background jolted some sanity in his blurry morning. There came light taps on the back waking him up from the state of being in a dream to blankness soon came after. But still he was unresponsive like all life was sucked out of his being.
“Ok ka lang? (Are you ok?)” this words somehow made sense to him, though he's not sure if that was the only thing they've been asking him the past few minutes.
“Inaantok pa ako… (I still feel sleepy…)” he muttered with a stoic expression. He hardly slept the night before and it surprises him how his body manages to accomplish mindless clerical work despite the trembling caused by an induced insomnia. He was in a state of shock and his mind still processes the things he found out last night.
It seemed like today, his mind will be occupied by re-runs of obscure episodes, and it was something his short attention span somehow managed not to affect.
Certain words reverberate inside his mind, “I love you more…” that would normally end their conversations and he’d usually blush and feel that tingly feeling in his stomach. It was too good to be true for him and he felt that ever since.
He doubted himself. He thought it was just a “coping mechanism” on the part of his psyche to feel bad after the things he have gone through with past relationships. He found it hard to understand what his gut was trying to say. The feeling was so foreign to him that he almost began palpitating as every obscure thought became even more confusing.
He has so many questions to ask, yet he feels that the answer won’t be able to satisfy any of the empty feelings he now have.
It felt like a movie to him. Like everything was to surreal to be even true.
He grinned occasionally with no apparent observable reason. It would look like he was mad. But in his mind were myriads of experiences that resurface for they relate to what is happening to him now. “
"Have you felt betrayed so far in your life?” a friend asks him when a Tori Amos song played in the background as they were having this afternoon chats. “Luckily, I never felt betrayed by anyone so far” he pronounced. Then he realized that there would always be that first time. That first time that would shock all your senses, trample all your perceived ideals and destroy mercilessly the innocence and purity of love you once held sacred. That first time was happening now.
The plane ticket, the panda bear, Toto, the blackberry phone, the three unproductive months, the unnecessary guilt, the daydreaming, the control, the fears, the lies and deception, the escalation of commitment, the excitement, every freaking little thought that float his mind towards memories that felt like euphoria before and now knives that stabs every part of his being.
“What the f***” he bitterly move his lips to reverberate sounds he never imagined he could mutter. He hates cursing but somehow he understands now why some people do it all the time.
He doesn't know if it was his ego or heart that ached more. The shock he had since yesterday is starting to wear off. He fears the time it will come to him fully. In that moment, the grief started and a decision has to be made. He wanted a confrontation though he knows deep inside it would end in endless sobbing on his part. He wanted to just the same. But the circumstances dictated him to wait. It was one of these moments that he really felt the agony of waiting. The feeling when your efforts do not translate to comparable developments and all you could do is wait that somehow it will eventually.
He called up a friend and all he had to say was “You’re smart; I believe you know what to do…”
Frankly, he knows, but he still wishes he would not have to do what his rational self wants.
It would be one of the hardest things he should do…
Note: This is a work of fiction.
Photo Credits : Fotohungry
