On Leap of Faith
“I thought I was over him but I love him.Big deal. So you fell in love with someoneI really miss him..so miss him…send him some light and love every time you think of him, then drop it.”
- Eat. Pray. Love
“So J, how have you been feeling the past few days?” a friend of mine would usually ask whenever we had the chance to talk.
“I’m making progress, I suppose. I’ve been from distraught and confused to struggling” I replied.
“J, distraught to struggling? It sounds the same to me?” he sheepishly remarked.
“No it’s not the same. It’s sort of like I went from being stuck and doing nothing to doing something now. In other words, I went from refusing to let go, to wanting and wishing to move on.” I said trying to clarify myself.
“But you still miss you know who?” he asks again.
“Honestly, I still do and I acknowledge all the feelings that come with it. But, I try my best to just drop it and divert my attention to other things. I’ve been reading quite a few the past days and it really helps and although I love Neruda, I try to avoid his poems for the time being.” I answered back.
“It’s been years already, have you considered dating again or probably trying again? I mean maybe you just need somebody to give all that love you’ve been obsessively pouring to your ex.”
I paused for a while and gave a thought of what he said.
“You know, I haven’t really thought about that until now. I don’t want to get ahead of myself with the possibility but I must say I am open with the idea. But, I have to be really honest that I am more discriminating now than before and it won’t be easy for me to fall that easily because my guards are up.”
“J, it’s like saying its ok but that’s impossible. Ano ba talaga ha?” he wistfully asks with an apparent discontent with my answer.
“It’s not impossible, I’m just saying that I am more cautious with whom I show interest. You know what I mean? Hypothetically speaking, I still use my heart when it comes to love but that does mean I’ll blindly follow it all throughout.” I responded.
“You’re speaking as if you’re in your late 20’s J.” he grins and adds “you’re just 24 and isn’t it too early for you to be thinking about love and relationships that way? Can’t you be like everybody else at your age and just fall in love and stop overthinking Be juvenile just once and have fun. This is not going to be the last heartbreak you’ll ever have if you’re lucky enough”
“I know, but you know it’s not my nature to be like that. I’m not fond of collecting then selecting. I don’t want to sleep around. I am awkward with flirting. I may have lost some of my notions of love because of my recent heartbreak but I managed to keep some and that includes this.”
“and may I ask if you still prefer to be found than you do the searching?” he quipped.
“that too..” I chuckled and answered.
“you lazy dog.” He remarked.
“it’s not being lazy. It’s making fate do its job.” I answered while grinning.
After realizing we were starting being too profound with our conversations we shifted to much lighter topics like why I still believe that Winnie the Pooh is repulsive wearing an undersized shirt with no pants. But honestly the thought insinuated by my friend remained at the back of my mind.
I don’t want to shun away the opportunity to be happy because of some bitter old resentments and apparently my friend after our conversation started finding me prospects and I sometimes get pissed because it almost feels like I’m that desperate which by the way is not true. But he insists that since I’m too lazy to look, he believes that he is fate’s instrument in finding me somebody to love. Ah, my friends, sometimes they’re too sweet to the point of being crazy.
“You know if you could clear out all that space in your mind that you’re using to obsess over this guy and your failed marriage. You’d have a vacuum with a doorway and you know what the universe would do with that doorway? Rush in. God would rush in. Fill you more with more love than you ever dreamed of.”
- Eat. Pray. Love
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